The Church Organist

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties

And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all..
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

global crisis

If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year , only two Banks will be operational : the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called "The Bloody Fucking Bank"

Punny stuff

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Golfing Accident

Golfing Accident'

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded
to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began
to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told
him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.'

Confucious Say

CONFUCIOUS SAY-HERE IS SOME TRUELY GREAT ADVICE FOR ALL MY USUAL READERS!!!


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Women in her fifties

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

retired sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once
more for old times' sake.


He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it
as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he
asks, ' How am I doing '?


The prostitute replies, 'Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots'.


Three knots he asks, 'What's that suppose to mean ?'


She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back !'

Mafia

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his
grandson to approach the bed;

"Lissin' a me. I wanna for you to taka my
chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver, so you will always
remember me."

The grandson smiles weakly and replies; "But grandpa,
I really donna a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me
you a ROLEXa watch inastead?"

Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in
his voice; "Shuddup an a lissin'. Somma day, you
gonna runna da business You gonna have a beautifula
wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybe a coupla
bambinos."

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues;
"Somma day, you gonna comma home, and maybe find you
wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do
the guy? ... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"