The Doctor's Office

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As
he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are
you" seeing the doctor for today?

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist
became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded
doctor's waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem
further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full
of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Sex on Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock
market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie dick about half an inch long
and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead
with his palm .With each slap of his forehead, his dick grows until it's
quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his dick grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad,
passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was
it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How
about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Dr. Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day
long.No matter how much he tried to forget about
it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But
every once in a while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would
bring him back to
reality,
whispering:

Dave...............

Dave.................

Dave.................


You're a vet".

Girls' Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
faithful and loving wives.. however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, walking home
they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take
off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was
lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did
their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl nights have

got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home

with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a
card stuck in the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the
Fire Station.We'll never forget you."

sexual harrassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget!!"

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!


A woman was sitting with her girlfriends enjoying an after work
drink when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could
not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he
leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that
you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 - on one condition." (There are always conditions...)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words," (controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said

"Clean my house."

Extramarital affairs

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work,
not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell em for?"
The son says, "$1000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Woman in a pub

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to
hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple
of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room."

Donald and Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"

From A Woman's Perspective

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy


Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?