Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood .... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God...... Hand Lotion, too!"

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Conversations with God

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

Two-liners - on marriage, doctors, etc

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting them.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

We just celebrated 30 years of marriage and we still always hold
hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom
and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel last year where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.

When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives ? They want to.


I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I wish my brother-in-law would learn a trade,
so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Blondes in the office

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made
funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her " ...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Condoms

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To
which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package? "The dad replies,"Those are for high school
boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool"
says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for
college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and
TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."