Two-liners - on marriage, doctors, etc

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting them.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

We just celebrated 30 years of marriage and we still always hold
hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom
and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel last year where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.

When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives ? They want to.


I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I wish my brother-in-law would learn a trade,
so I would know what kind of work he's out of.