My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that
out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you
get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect
your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You
work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High
School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have
no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating,
room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an Orgasm.

I rest my case..............

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software!."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

staying sane

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Car s. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15 . Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because
You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have
To Let One Of You Go."

Aging and Drinking

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact,
this one is on me'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of wa ter.'

'Coming up,! ' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
'I would like to b uy you one, too.'

The old woman says,
'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Co ming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies,

'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

The Butler

An elderly Jewish couple in London won twenty million pounds on the
lottery.

They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a
magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all
the material wealth imaginable.

They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an
agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their
home.

The day after his arrival,he was instructed to set up the dining table
for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then
left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. Perplexed, they
asked the butler why it was set for eight when they had expressly asked
him to set it for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing
the Blintzes and the Knishes."