The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said: "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping,
drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled
more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy
lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled,
felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.


The End
_________________________________________________________________

Easter

Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to the
Vatican and presents an ancient, and by now quite tattered
envelope to the Pope.

The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs.
This has been going on for nearly two thousand years.

One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi.
When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back
as he had been told to, in turn, by his predecessor...but then
the Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual.I don't understand it.
What is in this envelope?" "Damned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi.
"I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out."
"Good idea," said the Pope
So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope.
And do you know what they found?



The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

The Worse Age

"Sixty is the worse age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

IRISH ALZHEIMER'S

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when
he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church
every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during
Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going
to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn
in Hell, right ?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

condoms at Walmart

A man was in a long line at Walmart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...



'Cleanup, Register 5'

Undies are Important

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

putting affairs in order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"

Hair

A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father about use of the family car.

His father said, 'I'll make a deal with you.

You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair
cut and then we'll talk about it.'

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father
about his use of the car.The rabbi said, 'Son, I am very proud of you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut.'

The young man replied, 'You know Dad, I've been thinking about
that.You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long
hair, all the real leaders had long hair.'

The Rabbi said, 'Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked