The State fair

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Synagogue Bulletin Blunders

These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours"

The Blonde Year in Review

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Decided she hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel and there were too many W's in the bag.

November - Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - House burned down. Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use.

But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have"

The Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she
gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . . . . . .

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

Reading the Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading
an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the
same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he
approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab
newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but
what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews
disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in
poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find?
Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and
powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of
July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.
"You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I
can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You
don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've
tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are
you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

bird flu arrives in the US

Connecticut apologizes

British Humor

See this video. Typical British humor

Blonde jokes

AUTO REPAIR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
----------------------------------------
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!"
--------------------------
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
-------------------------------------------
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
-------------------------------------
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
---------------------------------------
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
------------------------------------
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
-------------------------------------
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,

Marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an
hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

The Worst Day

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's
been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one
swig.
T
he poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you
a hard time," says the truck driver.

"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right.

I over-slept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I
had forgotten my wallet in it.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."

Insurance Companies

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the
slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." The Second one
tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."

The CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week.......Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks
around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery
guy from Domino's."

The Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Jewish surgeons

A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son,
the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way...If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

Workplace Ethics

Dear Supervisors:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees

TRY SAYING
" Perhaps I can work late "
INSTEAD OF
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
" I'm certain that isn't feasible "
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way

TRY SAYING
" Really? "
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me

TRY SAYING
"Perhaps you should check with . . ."
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit

TRY SAYING
" I wasn't involved in the project "
INSTEAD OF
It's not my fucking problem

TRY SAYING
" I'm not sure this can be implemented "
INSTEAD OF
This shit won't work

TRY SAYING
" I'll try to schedule that "
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner

TRY SAYING
" He's not familiar with the issues "
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass

TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?"
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass

TRY SAYING
" I'm a bit overloaded at the moment "
INSTEAD OF
Fuck that, I'm on salary

TRY SAYING
" You want me to take care of that "
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss

TRY SAYING
" I see "
INSTEAD OF
Blow me

TRY SAYING
" He's somewhat insensitive "
INSTEAD OF
He's a prick

TRY SAYING
" I think you could use more training "
INSTEAD OF
Do you know what the fuck you're doing?

Thank You,
Human Resources

Questions and Answers

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A.They don't have time

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A.They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? >
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A.They're married.

He Said She Said

1) He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

2) He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you I've wanted to make
love to you really badly. She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

3) He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . .
That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

4) He said . . .What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

5) He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said . . . I would but you're never there.

6) On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere.
"Written just below it . . . " I do not"

The Priest

A man was struck by a bus on a busy street. As he was lying near death on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathered around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. A police officer checked the crowd and yelled, "Is anyone a priest?"

Out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm
overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. He knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice,

"B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72. . ."

Husband Wanted

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read "HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."

On the second day, much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you----you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"

She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"

The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you
still good in bed?" she asked.

The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I ?"

The Pope and the Rabbi

THE POPE AND THE RABBI

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He
responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr Pope, we're staying right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Airplane chatter

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well, then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Turner Brown

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and
shaking him. He asks, "Are you okay??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

Phone message

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.When the man told her it would cost $300.00, she exclaimed:
"I don't have enough money, I'll do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything, " the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door," the man said.
She did.
He then said, "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead... take it out..." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well...go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding
it close to her lips, and tentatively said..........

"Hello, Mom, can you hear me?"

I am Woman

A poem for us....

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .


I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you DICK!?!

Teachers

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Last Meal

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish
to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES???"

"Yes, Strawberries."

He is told "But they are out of season !"

"So, I'll wait..."

The Anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway
for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Indian Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter
was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical
leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth,
called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter
going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,"
the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he
called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it
is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them
to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the
Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely
sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied,
"The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding
a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."