Jewish sex lessons

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex, so they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex.

This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it.

After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi.

The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.

They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel"

Salary increase request

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor.
2- I work at great depths.
3-I plunge head first into everything I do.
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5- I work in a damp environment.
6- I don't get paid overtime.
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8- I work in high temperatures.
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You cannot work 8 hours straight.
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3- You rarely follow the orders of the management team.
4- You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5- You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear.
8- You will retire well before you are 65.
9- You are unable to work double shifts.
10- More often than not, you leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11- If the ten reasons listed above are not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

Body builder

A bodybuilder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt, and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 200 lb. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants, and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have.

The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 200 lb. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,
"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

THE GOLD TOILET

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited
to a

get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking
several glasses of iced tea, he asked

Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When
he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was

astonished to see that president Clinton had a fancy solid
gold urinal.


That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the
urinal. "Just think

he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal
too. But I

wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"



Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the
White House, she

told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery
of the fact that

in the President's private bathroom, the President had a
gold urinal.


That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for
bed, Hillary

smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your
saxophone.

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work! .

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know
they'll enjoy it & do the same.