A Woman's joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply in! to his eyes, and slowly and
meaningfully said....





"Clean my house."

Dictionary

A man's home is his castle..... in a manor of speaking
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
Practice safe eating - always use condiments
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris..... must be in Seine
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired
Definition of a will: A dead give away
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under
Every calendar's days are numbered
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
Once you've seen one shopping centre...you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
Acupuncture is a jab well done

Jewish wedding

Q. Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp
on a wine glass?

A. Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.

a blonde year

A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW:
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels .... "duh" .... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!!
March - Got excited .... Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months .... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid .... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing .... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition .... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm .... car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C" .... isn't it????
October - Hate M & M's .... They are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh" .... there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!!

What a year!!!!

test positive

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test.

The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says,

"Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.


He sits in the l iving room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them of his problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation
but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."


He continues:
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If she has twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You fuck her again..."

Genies

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden,
and an American engineer are working together one day. They come
across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a
farmer, and my son will also be a farmer. I want the land to be
forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a
wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Pooooof!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's
about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the
country. Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

senior moments

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the
newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight
and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,

ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I
am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
........."You mean I was here already?"

Mailman's last day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the

mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.



When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the

whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a

big gift envelope.


At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.


The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing

lures.


At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful

blonde in a revealing negligee.



She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she

closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she

blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.


When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant

breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-

squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup

of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking

out from under the cup's bottom edge.


"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the

dollar for?"


"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your

last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him

what to give you."


He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

living in the USA

As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with
the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is:
where? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or
the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water
in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your
face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities.
Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU
KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how
long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it
is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It
was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

The Hospital

ROOM 302

Anyone who has ever been in a hospital or had a loved one in the
hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the
person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if
a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room
number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is
fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if
she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home
Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's
wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close
family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

Talmud

The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and said to him, "You have
taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to
learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to
teach me the Talmud."

The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a
Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding
the Talmud."

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to
teach him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I
agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one
question."

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the
chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of
those two goes to wash up."

"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash
up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed
in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean
one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to
wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and
thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me,
please another question."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the
chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of
these two goes to wash up?"

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks
at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The
dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that
he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again . I told you
that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror,
sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The
dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to
wash up."

The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that there
is a mirror there."

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with
your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud.
According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."

"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once
more. Ask me one more question."

For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall
through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean.
Who of these two went to wash up?"

"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror
there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that
he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one
will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and
will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the
clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to
wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he
is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed
in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain.

Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and
for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"